


A Very Serious and Canonically Accurate Star Wars Story

by aheshke



Series: Star Wars Crack Universe [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: CRACKSMUT, Crack, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Not Canon Compliant, Very OOC, friendly reminder to read the tags and notes of fics, puns, trollfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:28:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22836286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aheshke/pseuds/aheshke
Summary: A very serious tale of lightsaber duels and romance.
Relationships: Jar Jar Binks/Leia Organa, Leia Organa/Jabba Desilijic Tiure | Jabba the Hutt, Leia Organa/Snoke (Star Wars), Obi-Wan Kenobi/Leia Organa
Series: Star Wars Crack Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1641670
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	A Very Serious and Canonically Accurate Star Wars Story

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Star Wars fans who don't read fanfic tags or notes](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Star+Wars+fans+who+don%27t+read+fanfic+tags+or+notes).



"Muahaha, I have you now, princess," Jabba the Hung says in his guttural tongue, pulling his bikini-clad captive closer to him. "Your friends will never find you in time. But you could make your stay worth your while," he adds meaningfully, pawing at her chesticles.

"I will never bed you willingly, never!" screams Leia Orgasm, spitting in his face.

Jabba the Hung runs his lengthy tongue along her neck and she squirms and shudders. "Are you so sure, Princess Orgasm? You'll find I'm quite a cunning linguist, and physically endowed in ways that you puny humans are not."

Her body betraying her, Leia Orgasm leans into his slimy touch.

_Ksssht!_

Jabba the Hung falls into two smoking pieces, cut in half by a green lightsaber.

"Hello there!" calls her rescuer, posing atop the pile of fleshy gore.

"Obi-Wang Keblowmi!" cries Leia Orgasm happily. "I'm your only hoe."

"Always, Princess Orgasm," says Keblowmi, sweeping her into his thickly muscled arms.

_Ksssht!_

"Not so fast!" says a voice behind them. A black-clad figure with a double-bladed red lightsaber leans sulxily (sulkily and sexily) against one of the walls of the Hung Palace.

"Oh no," gasps Keblowmi. "It's Dick Mauler!"

"Yes, 'tis I!" crows Dick Mauler. "I survived losing my dick and vowed to never rest until I could maul the dick of the dick who did it: You, Obi-Wang Keblowmi!"

Keblowmi drops Orgasm and smirks at Dick Mauler. " _En garde_ , Dick!"

They cross sabers with a clash, the princess forgotten behind them. Dick Mauler and Obi-Wang Keblowmi hit each other's laser swords again and again and again, until they're out of breath and quite flushed and sweaty.

"Why Keblowmi," gasps Dick, "I didn't realize you had such skill with your saber!"

"Nor I you, with your double-saber!" says Keblowmi.

A sudden flash of lightning drops both of them to the floor, groaning.

"Enough saber-comparing, you two, Trouser Snoke has arrived," says a tall, bald, wrinkled figure dressed in gold, from his robes to the gold chains around his neck and gold teeth in his smile. He pulls out a ring (also gold), set with a large kyber crystal carved in his name's likeness. "Leia Orgasm, will you marry me? As you can see, I am very rich and our marital bed will have red silk. Also, I can do this:"

He shocks Dick Mauler and Obi-Wang Keblowmi with lightning again.

Orgasm bats her eyes at him and throws herself (and her very generous and bouncy chesticles) at him. "Oooh, how _kinky_ and very sugar-Snokey of you," she coos. "Let's be wed immediately!"

"Are there any objections?" Trouser Snoke asks the two unconscious and slightly smoking bodies on the ground.

"Meesa object!" A hooded figure hops into the room and throws back their hood, revealing a lithe male Gungan. "Meesa Jizz Jizz Banks. Meesa propose to marry Princess Orgasm."

She considers him, her hand already glittering with Trouser Snoke's ring. "And why should I marry you, Jizz Jizz?"

"Meesa found Sith powers. Meesa now grand emperor of Naboo." The Gungan shakes his head sadly. "Ex-squeeze me, but Trouser Snoke is a bad-bad lover. Yousa gonna be likin' me better."

Trouser Snoke raises his arms and zaps him with lightning.

"How wuude!" cries Jizz Jizz. He ignites his lightsaber, a trident-shaped weapon with three sabers on the end. Trouser Snoke tries to dodge out of the way, but Jizz Jizz jumps faster and spears him three ways through the chest.

"But I have money," Trouser Snoke wheezes, and dies.

"You saved me from that wicked old man," Leia Orgasm says, throwing her ring away. "Of course I'll become your Dark Sith Empress."

They embrace and lock their long tongues in a deep kiss, and do more besides, and follow their satiating coupling with a much-needed death-stick smoke.

 **After Credits Scene:** Palpatine fucks and Grievous is smexy.

**Author's Note:**

> \- Following a viewing of this, Finn flatly refuses to watch a holoporno chosen by Poe ever kriffing again. (Poe, who is an avid consumer of holoporn parodies, prides himself on having superior comedy tastes.)  
> \- "Sulxily" credited to Radley-Writes.tumblr.com  
> \- Deeply cursed inspo: https://tehri.tumblr.com/post/190945414782/i-bet-jar-jar-is-fucking-hung-like-a-whale-god-he


End file.
